Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness.

* Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of LOVE. He may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him. As the jealousy progresses, he may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

* Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, and friend.
He is very dependent on you for all his needs, and may tell you he can fulfill all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'if you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

* 'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He may pressurize you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "RAPE" excites him. He may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

* Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him. He may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

* Superiority
He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.